waiting... wanting... always

Everyday seems like a babystep closer to my original self. I don't know what or when it happened, but it's as I'm not myself. It feels like I'm waiting for myself to return from a long vacation. Like I've lost a part of me... and I have no idea when I'll return. I know that change is necessary and a given, but it seems like I've lost myself in the midst of hardship. I still love myself... I just hope that my motivation and determination comes back. Maybe the hardships I overcame this year has taken most of my energy and strength.

I often ask myself, "What happened? Where's the passion? Where's the feeling? Where the love? Where the dedication... where's the love?" It seems like I've put a hold on my career and dreams again. Just when I thought I have passed the crossroads and have a definite path... I've found myself at the fork on the road again. All I know is that I still love it no matter how far away it seems.

No matter what... I know that I'll be back. I know that when I'm completely out of this funk... the force will be even stronger than before. I know where I want to be and how to get there... I know what I want and the sacrifices that come with it. I can't lose hope... I wont give up on my dreams. I'm the only one that will fully believe in myself .. and I'm the only one who can and WILL make my dreams into reality.

Patsy Cline- Crazy

Crazy
Crazy for feeling so lonely
Im crazy
Crazy for feeling so blue

I knew
Youd love me as long as you wanted
And then someday
Youd leave me for somebody new

Worry
Why do I let myself worry
Wondrin
What in the world did I do

Crazy
For thinking that my love could hold you
Im crazy for tryin
Crazy for cryin
And Im crazy
For lovin you

Proof

Today, I witnessed and experienced nature at it's best. Everything she had to offer... knowledge, wisdom, love, purpose... came all at once today. I hope I can recollect today's events in my death bed. So much fun, excitement, happiness, love, desire, faith, and goodness.

It's rewarding to know and feel that I've made a positive impact in the world... let alone one young girl. To be able to stimulate their minds with the love and passion of science. Not just biology... but all sciences. Hearing what they know so far in this field... inspires me to help them gain more knowledge about the world around us. The world that gives us all the answers as long as we listen. Instincts, fears, happiness, serendipity... why? How could these things occur... how are they felt... better question: Why? The promise that these young girls possess... encourages me to become the best... for them... for nature.. for me... for the greater good. I can't believe how happy it made me to see their curious faces. They're our future.



After the educator was finished with her presentation, I told the girls that they are so fortunate to grow up in such an exciting era in sciences. We continue to grow and improve our understanding and overall well being. Seeing their eyes light up with excitement... inspires me to succeed and grow WITH them. They soaked in every bit of information... as long as you kept their minds active and stimulated. It was amazing. I hope they learned a lot... I know I did: we are living proof of greatness.

Just had to get away

It's been crazy. All the stresses and pressures in all aspects of life. It's often difficult to remember that we are at a better place and position compared to most.
I try my best to bring myself back to nature... ask myself a bunch of questions... then just listen.



How do you go about with or without love? It's interesting watching and listening to how others express their love. I know I'm not one to judge and I shouldn't, but I honestly think that love isn't real if it is one sided. Love cannot be forced onto another. If the loved doesn't share that same feeling as the lover... it really isn't love. TRUST. How could anyone love without trust? Trust isn't something you just hand out without thought. There's usually some kind of emotional, intellectual or physical connection. With that said... I feel that those connections are levels of trust. The ultimate trust comes with the emotional aspect. What people fail to realize is that lies are easy to read and detect. Even when you're lying to yourself... you can sense that there is something wrong with what you are trying to prove.



Of course everyone wants to feel and experience love. Real love... to find that "soul mate." But does such a soul mate really exist? It's great to feel like there is one person out there destined for you... but is it logical? Do you listen to logic or emotion?

The truth about nature

"Nature is unpredictable... til this day we continue to try and "predict" what it will bring us... all we can really see are precursors and base our decisions on those precursors. Nature is not always good to us... no matter how good we are to it. Sorry to say."

-Me

Whether it may be behavioral or climactic observations and situations, there's ample evidence that prove this quote. Think about meteorologists and what they're line of work consists of. With that said how often do we find ourselves saying "dammit he was wrong again!" as you step out of your house into a 40 degree Fahrenheit weather or as you run to your car soaking wet? Or how about when a virus breaks through the security on your computer regardless of how much money you've spend on the security system or how many updates you've downloaded. (LOL) I mean... it's comical, but it's just a fact of nature. No matter how good or bad you are to nature (and just life) events and situations will happen that are good or bad.

There's no way of 100% predicting the future and what life has in store for us. All we can really do is live as good of a life as we can and try to help those who are in need. Live a happy life and treasure every moment of nature's gifts.

Live a happier life, not just for yourself, but for others. Happiness is the most contagious and most desirable disease... spread it... it's the only thing that no one can take away from you.

Let nature take its course

Well... I guess I've reached the threshold. Sometimes you just have to let nature take its course and surrender to its calling. All I can manage to say to myself are phrases meant to encourage someone to "spring forward" and "turn over a new leaf." Although they're all true and are intended to realize and recognize the brighter side of everything... sometimes it's hard to come to terms with them. Often times it's a bit unfortunate or even heartbreaking to accept the transition. But all anyone can really do in situations like these is keep pushing forward.

All I can really do is remember my purpose and my goals... and my dreams. Remember that ultimately ... I don't exist for myself... but for the greater good of humanity and love. It's really the only thought that keeps me going and fighting.

I love you

After this trip... I can safely say that I am an enhanced and inspired Carmela. We went on two hikes and ventured into the rain forest. This was definitely a trip well needed and above all... appreciated. I've had a few epiphanies out here... one of which is my undying and deep passion... no... love for nature and mother earth. The beauty it exudes is incomparable, refreshing, and bold. It's everything and anything one could ever ask for. It's inspiring yet deceiving. It's love but hate. It's... wow. It's the love and beauty that everyone has always longed for. Every moment that in the water, in the forest, on a mountain, and just breathing in the fresh air... gives me even more purpose to fight for it's beauty and elegance.

During the hike to the waterfall, I must have said I love you to each and every leaf I came across. Being in it's presence kept me singing nothing but songs of love and happiness. I think it's the only thing that can disappoint me (at times) yet never think ill thoughts of it. It's beauty is definitely maddening. In many love songs, they speak of heartbreak, tears, happiness, beauty, deceit, madness, lies, and so on. If this is what really defines love... then I'm here... I've found love.

If love is defined to be a balanced and mutual emotion or feeling... then this is the truest and purest love of all. Nature loves each and everyone of us. We just have to be willing to accept and appreciate it's love, grace, and beauty. It loves us so much... it presents us with an undying beauty. It also helps us maintain life... from the air that we breathe, to the water that we drink, to the food that we eat... it provides us with everything we need and want. It cares and nurtures us. It's embrace... just get in the ocean, river, streams, any body of water, and you'll feel its embrace. I admit that there's no real sex involved... but I mean... you can get that from anyone... anywhere. Sex is definitely not a big factor or determinate of love... not real love that is.

Like the saying goes "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." This same "rule" or saying goes with love. Love differentiates from person to person. One might love pussy, whereas another might love money. So in searching for love... one must search for themselves and stay true to their wants, needs, and desires.

I hope I will be able to love someone as much as I love Earth... and I hope I would be fortunate enough to find someone that loves me as much as Earth loves me.


((((I love you and no one will ever keep me away from you.)))

And so it begins ...

I think I am experiencing another transitional stage.  The transition from being a hopeless-romantic and fragile girl to a strong, independent, and ambitious woman.  For about 6 years I have been in serious or pseudo-serious relationships.  It's still a little hard adjusting to the solo-life, but I think it will help me understand, and improve myself.  

Lately, my main focus on self-improvement is school, education, and career.  Ever since I fell in love the natural world, I've felt so much peace and happiness.  It's an overwhelming yet stunning beauty that one will always appreciate.  Just to admire such elegance and serenity takes every single breath away.  Basking in the scent and sound of the wildlife... it's just... wow!  It would definitely be my ideal place to live the rest of my life in; surrounded with all creatures that started it all, and those just like us; trying to figure everything out.  

Aside for my passion in the natural science and basking in its extreme peace, I've been hanging out with a lot of friends and spending as much time with them as I can.  It's been crazy for the past few weeks... crazy meaning good.  We've just been having a lot of fun in DC and just talking about our goals and experiences.  They're all into dancing, so it's great to have others appreciate this kind of expression.  They understand the hardwork and dedication it takes to be able to draw out that kind of art and talent.  I can't wait to start training.  Since school has been really demanding this semester... I've just been working out and keeping my endurance up.  Lately, I've been working on my cardio... I've managed to keep my heart rate steady to about 180 (average 165-168).  With my endurance up high, the longer and harder I can dance without losing too much wind.  I started working on my arms to give it more definition and to build some strength.  My goal is to able to do a few pull ups in order to get ready to start rock climbing.  I'm pretty excited.

.... This is just where it begins....